best friends.

There are very few things I take as serious as my friends. Which means a couple things. If you are counted among said friends I will do anything, sacrifice anything to be there for you if you are truly in need. And I'm also most likely to be the one who will get hurt.

I had a best friend growing up. We spent a lot of time together, had a lot of mutual interests. Hardly a weekend would pass where I was not at his house or he at mine. He taught me what a real friend is. After high school I had another best friend. We partied a lot and had some really amazing experiences. He was the first person I came out to. Not because I liked him but because I knew I could trust him. He taught me how to laugh. Shortly after I came out I met my ex. For 11 years he was my best friend. We shared everything. In the end we made much better friends than spouses (with one another) and I am totally ok with that. He taught me how to love.

In the last year and a half that I have been single I really haven't had that experience any more. It is hard for me. I'm just so used to having someone I can always text or call. To laugh with, to push boundaries with, to complain about the world with. I just don't have it anymore and it drives me crazy. I have a lot of friends. People who mean a great deal to me but not that one person. I've tried a couple times. A few people have came into my life and filled that role, more or less, for a short time. It didn't last with them for whatever reason (though I still consider them very good friends and love them dearly). I am oddly co-dependent I suppose. I will talk about being lonely but I don't even know if I am looking for a long-term boyfriend at this point ... though a fucking date would be nice. When I really explore what drives my loneliness it is not having that best friend. Not having that person to count on, to be on my side, to face the world with.

I don't worry about finding love again or getting laid. Those things come as they do. If it's meant to be for me again I will find it. If it's not, well, I found it once before and that's more than a lot of people can say. But I hate the idea of facing the world alone, quiet, and without a hand to cling to.

Maybe he's out there? Maybe he's already one of my friends? What will he teach me?

Until Then and Always
~ Jamie